Lately

Lately i'm surprised at how much anger comes out of me at times.

Most of you know i'm quick to cry but rarely get angry.

I think a huge portion of it is basic lack of sleep, at this point with Abby- maybe 10 months old i said i was done waking up so much, the point at which we let her cry to go back to sleep and in three days she went from waking up every 2 hrs. to sleeping for 8 at a time. Maybe this is my tipping point. Wes is doing much better than Abs did though, maybe it affects me more because i'm older.

I am angry that i had cancer and all that it took away from me.

I am angry that every year i have to go have tests and then wait..wait.. to hear a) you have cancer again and have to go through it all again or b) you are fine, relax, breathe easy and come back in a year. (yeah... so easy for them to say)

I am angry that i had to have a mastectomy.... i hate surgery i don't want to do reconstruction but at times i do.

I am angry that this sweet boy has to drink from a bottle and not his mama.

I am angry that i almost ran out of his formula, the store was out of the kind we use, the amazon shipment late. angry at myself for cutting it that close. Angry that he has to have formula at all.

Unfortunately, as anger does, it comes out in other ways- mostly at the people close to you, and really it has nothing to do with them. I'm sorry Joe and Abs, I love you so much.

I always hesitate to post these type of posts from me, the ultimate optimist, but oh well but the people that read this will love me anyway in all my forms, i'm so lucky. Love you all.

Wow- the 300th post!!

Abby, Z, and Bubba after picking up trash at Oyster Beach.

Happy Earth Day 2010!! may we all remember and that really its everyday we get to be here.

and they do

if everyone who ever walked this path before
or went before us, or came after
all walked this

anyone we ever needed, all the ancestors, the progeny
anyone who ever made our life meaningful,
the person who wore the red ski cap on the bus
that led us to that poem about minds on fire,
anyone who ever needed a word shared, a poem,
a hug, anyone who ever
took something we were or created and folded it belly deep into themselves

if all of them walked with us now
(and they do)
if all of them walked with us now
we would know this path is never lonely
(sometimes even crowded)
and often crowded

if all of them walked with us now
(and they do)
we would never feel lost
never be alone

if all of them walked with us now
(and we do)

Marna 2008 from We-Moon 2010

Today was an 8 out of 10 on the heaviness scale. Really?
I'm done with this week, you can have it.
4:45 am was so long ago. I'm done.

Found

Laying down with Abby to sleep tonight we heard the patter of a crawling little boy, still awake after a late nap. He came and found us, pushed open the door to Abby's room and raced over to the bed. He did his happy scream/squeal that he does- " Yes, I knew they were in here!"

An emotional day today, glad this one is over.

Sweeties

My recent favorite pics of our kids. Thanks Joe for taking them.

The Payesko's

The Golden Gate















Wes taking a chow break under the aquarium

Michael and Joe














Esa and Celeste















Michael, Sarah, and Abby












Wes loved Mike.

The Santa Cruz Leg

I have never been on this stretch of hwy 1. The sun was out after a few days of rain and the waves were up. It was breathtaking how beautiful.











Taking a break to look at the waves.










Wes and I on the beach the next morning, was a bit chilly.















Luke and Abs all snugged up in the hotel ready to watch a movie.











We were able to meet Anth, Jenny and the boys for a night in santa cruz.









The same cold day on the beach, Joe heading into the water.

Jobe and Mia

I stole this pic from Tess's site. This is Jobe and Mia playing in the condensation on the window as the sun is going down. Seriously one of the most beautiful photos I've seen.

Love you guys!

A Few Stories

Abby in the car just picked her up from school.
Abby: Momma can you pack me a plastic bag for my lunch so i can throw all my garbage away after i eat?
Me: Well I can but then you would be throwing a plastic bag away everyday when now you just put it all in the garbage. That is a lot of plastic bags to go in the landfill.
Abby: momma, what does reduce mean?
Me: It means using less than you currently do. Throwing away a plastic bag everyday would be the opposite of reducing.
Abby: Its OK momma, i don't really need one.

This 'tread lighter on the world' momma was smiling for sure.

Next story is about my grandma Katie who is almost 96 and living in an assisted care place.
She spends a lot of time laying down now, gets confused off and on, and now talks a lot with her eyes closed. So my mom comes in to see her.
Mom: Hi mom, how are you doing?
Gram: (eyes closed) I'm ok, I want a BEER!
Mom: (kind of chuckling) Oh yeah, that sounds good doesn't it.
Gram: (a little more forceful this time) I want a BEER.
Mom: Well mom, they don't have any here.
Gram: Well get some money out of my purse down there and go get some! (a command for sure)
Mom: Well, ok i'll be right back.
- mom goes to the corner store mid-morning to buy a six pack of beer- totally funny in itself that my mom is buying only a six pack before noon.
She gets back to Gram's room with the beer. By now Gram has totally forgotten that she asked for the beer, her eyes still closed.
Mom: Hi mom I got some beer for you.
Gram: Oh that sounds sooooo good.

So they sat in the nursing home mid day and cracked open a beer. So nice.

Together

Happy Emergence, Spring, and Easter everyone!

Thanks momma for having us all at your house and for all the yummy food!!

Some pics

A super quick visit with the Watson clan. Thanks for staying up so late with us and letting us crash. Hope Sunday wasn't too brutal.





Road entertainment, braiding her own hair, making up new hairstyles. We also told stories, Joe's about a horse named Petal. Abby's about kitten's she got from her friend Zoe's house, and mine about Zulu and Zeke and their love of donkeys.









Super smiley man, just waking up, really mom we're still driving, i'm still in this seat??

The lovely Mt. Shasta

Lake shasta where we stayed the night, wanted to get farther but Wes was DONE!

A pitstop in vacaville, we're close!

Part 1- Road Trip

It seems there is tech difficulty at the moment with uploading pics so those are to come soon.
We made it down to San Francisco to Michael and Celeste's after 2 days driving. It is so nice to be here as we haven't been down for 4 years we figured out. Their house is lovely, all the plants have grown and look so amazing, lemons and oranges growing in their yard, fresh lemonade from tree ripened lemons, the big kids laughing and screaming having all sorts of fun. It's so relaxed, no pressure to do things, just to be. aaahhhh...

A thought from the car ride down.
We, as mothers, spend so much time wondering what we could have done differently as our kids are doing some ungodly behavior that makes us want to crawl away or explain somehow,
i should have been more consistent, i should i have been more mellow, i should have been stricter, more lenient, more. more. more.
And then there are times that you just look at your kids and it hits you how really perfect and beautiful they are, how they are really, really good kids and you get to think that maybe, just maybe you are doing it all right.

Another 1/2

Alright, here we go. Now we have to kick it in gear!! Go Cassie! Where are you Tessa......????
http://seattle.competitor.com/

Today

Today seemed so long but in the best sense.
Got some work done but was able to be in the sunshine and hold sweet bubba's hand while we looked at tractors, listening to him talk and talk.
Got to have tea in the middle of the day, sit in the grass, talk and eat Kale from the garden.
Saw a fantastic report card from Abs, so proud of her.
Took a walk down the road with Abby and Wes, Abby saved 3 salamanders- the kind with the bright orange bellies, one of them we think was pregnant her belly was BIG!
Then a little fire in the yard and marshmellows with Joe.
Abby pulled her hanging tooth out tonight so brave.
And now Wes is asleep, the house all quiet listening to Joe's voice reading a libary book to his girl.