Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Lately

Lately i'm surprised at how much anger comes out of me at times.

Most of you know i'm quick to cry but rarely get angry.

I think a huge portion of it is basic lack of sleep, at this point with Abby- maybe 10 months old i said i was done waking up so much, the point at which we let her cry to go back to sleep and in three days she went from waking up every 2 hrs. to sleeping for 8 at a time. Maybe this is my tipping point. Wes is doing much better than Abs did though, maybe it affects me more because i'm older.

I am angry that i had cancer and all that it took away from me.

I am angry that every year i have to go have tests and then wait..wait.. to hear a) you have cancer again and have to go through it all again or b) you are fine, relax, breathe easy and come back in a year. (yeah... so easy for them to say)

I am angry that i had to have a mastectomy.... i hate surgery i don't want to do reconstruction but at times i do.

I am angry that this sweet boy has to drink from a bottle and not his mama.

I am angry that i almost ran out of his formula, the store was out of the kind we use, the amazon shipment late. angry at myself for cutting it that close. Angry that he has to have formula at all.

Unfortunately, as anger does, it comes out in other ways- mostly at the people close to you, and really it has nothing to do with them. I'm sorry Joe and Abs, I love you so much.

I always hesitate to post these type of posts from me, the ultimate optimist, but oh well but the people that read this will love me anyway in all my forms, i'm so lucky. Love you all.

4 comments:

Carla said...

Of course we love you and it's nice to hear that you are *gasp* human like the rest of us! Hang in there mama and consider yourself hugged super tight! Will miss you girls (and boys and babies) this weekend. Hope it is relaxing and wonderful.

Wendy said...

ohhh, carla wish you were on your way here too. and thanks for the virtual hug my dear. Love you so much.

jwilskey said...

from afar, you are loved and thought of! more than you know! hugs and love!

Mark, Jessica, Jakob, Sarah and Roxy said...

Oh Wen,
I didn't read this post until coming home from our trip to see you! I too second Carla, you are human, you have more than the right to feel angry! I love you and I feel more relaxed after seeing you guys, then I've felt in a long time! I really enjoyed the friend time and just chatting about really nothing - our damn kids, memories and random crap! I know my kids had the best time, so thanks for that too! I miss you and am glad to know you are human too!! Thanks so much!
Carla, we missed you!!!!!!!!!!!