Tonight a girls night of popcorn and movies, one of them the Black Stallion.
I REMEMBER this movie, the feel of it, not all the scenes or the ending but especially the part on the beach when there is no dialogue for 20 min. of the movie. Its the part when the boy is trying to befriend the stallion and eventually they are swimming and running on the beach together. As a horse crazy little girl I remember being amazed and in love with that horse.
I watched Abby see it tonight. She sat awhile then stole away a few minutes quickly running into her room to grab her little black horse and held it the rest of the movie.
I don't think I've ever blogged about work before, not intentionally really, mostly because it doesn't move me much one way or the other. Today, both sides of the continuum occurred on the same day. Sometimes emotionally this job sucks if from you. The Low: Whenever a baby doesn't make it, no matter how old they are, how much or little you interacted, it still feels devastating. I've had a knot in my stomach since Saturday, more debriefing the situation today, gaining more facts, not making it feel any better. HEAVY. The High: 4 months ago a teenage mom with anorexia and a history of suicide decided to trust me and let me try to support her through the postpartum time. To watch her go from handing me pills she doesn't trust herself not to take to her shining, smiling face popping into my work today to say hi and show me her new "beater" car that is as dented as it is huge. Having her tell me that no one in her life has ever just sat with her and listened, her believing me when I told her she didn't have to be disrespected by her teenage boyfriend. That she didn't have to take it. It was like death and life visited today.
Most of the time as a parent I feel authoritative I guess, that it is my job to direct Abby and most everyone knows my girl, she needs it. But, once in awhile there are those times when I feel like she is my pal. The house was all quiet, the early morning light was streaming through the sliding glass door. We sat on the hearth, our backs to the toasty fire, cereal bowls in our lap, eating breakfast together and talking.
Maybe what I want to do and what I can do aren't really as close as I imagine. Maybe trying to work at the hospital, for my parents, do some fun stuff with us as a family, seeing my buddies, trying to have a clean house, knit a scarf, read, run, the never ending charting..... Maybe it is too much? Today felt schizophrenic at best, too many plates in the air, splitting myself, doing lots but absolutely nothing well. But what to stop doing? that is the question. Ahhh, what I want and what it possible. Maybe it will seem better in the morning.
I love how cold it is in the mornings now, that you have to wear long sleeves. I love it that the leaves on the way down the hill on Washington Harbor are starting to fall- it is so beautiful to drive under. I love it that I got to take a walk today, the sun and rain hitting me at the same time. I love it that one of my dearest friends had great news this last week, that a spot in her breast meant nothing. I love it that I haven't had labs drawn for 1 year and that Monday's results were normal. I can feel the sun slipping away here at this house, THAT i do not love. Its getting harder to find time to walk or run as the days are getting shorter- maybe time for a used treadmill in the garage? Its crap that at the MD office I weighed 12 lbs more than last Feb. when I was there. Joe just laughed when I told him, said it didn't seem like it and that he thought maybe it was just muscle from running. I love you Joe. I love it that the house is all quiet right now, some music playing and incense. I feel really lucky. Goodnight.